crumbling

Everything you want 

is on the other side of fear.

- Jack Canfield

I want to cry. And it's not because someone upset me, because no one did. It's just that I am tired. When I finished working in July I imagined this year to be extraordinary easy comparing to the tough one I just had. But by now it has been the complete opposite. There's just so much to learn and so little of my sanity left. And I'm afraid that soon enough I will travel on that continuum I learned so much about, floating far away from the considered ideal normality pole. I feel as if someone put thousands of rocks on my shoulders and my lungs are collapsing, not being able to breathe in fresh air, just dust and heaviness. I just want to crawl in someone's arms and pretend that the world won't get me, that for just that little time I can live the life I want to live and that the chaos going on in my mind will stop. Because it's hard. Life is hard and no one ever teaches you how to deal with it, how to stop your fear from pouring endless waterfalls on your cheeks, leaving your eyes red and blurry and your heart weak and shaky. Because no one will be there when the walls start crumbling, when what you imagined to be doesn't check with what it really is, when life doesn't seem worth experiencing anymore when your dreams become nightmares you run away from because you're not strong enough to make it through.

In the end all you have is that little light in your soul that sometimes goes dark and it's impossible to see it, but you still know it's there, because if it wasn't you wouldn't be here right now, writing these words, fighting this battle you are not sure you're going to win. And maybe one day you'll wake up and realize that you've built nothing and that all you have are crumbles of what you once longed for. That thought is terrifying you every single moment, making you doubt every single choice you take. And you know what's the worst of it all? You can't escape fear. Fear it's sewed in your essence forever and it's only dying when you die too.

The other day I did something I was afraid of for a long long time and will probably still be afraid of for the rest of my existence on this planet. I told him I want to quit. I told him that I am focusing on something else right now and that thing that I am focusing on doesn't leave me enough time to focus on his activity anymore. Actually, it didn't really go like this. He knew from the beginning what I wanted and the surprise was that he made things easier for me to bear. He actually made me feel less sorry for what I did and I will forever appreciate him for it. I thanked him, but he said he thanks me. I took it as a 'thank you for your honesty' and it felt good to finally let some of it out.

                                                                                 Melissa.